From my Journal Tonight:
"Jesus, I seek you. I'm a mess. I'm weary and stretched, lustful and confused. God, I need YOU to pull me in toward you. I am struggling to find surrender. Even as I pray for you to draw me near, I am filled with fear. I don't want to let go of the things that I'm holding tightly to. I fear that my desires and your will don't align... that if I let go of this ledge that I've been grasping to, if I truly sink into surrender, the things I've been clinging to will slip out from beneath me. But you are bigger than the fear. Carry me. Hold me near. Remind me that you only want my best, and that even though I don't fully know what that is, that you will never steer me wrong. Help me to trust you, and to let go, knowing that you will catch me as I fall away from the things that don't serve you, me, or others, in love."
Today is the first day in a few hectic weeks that I've truly just paused. Though my brain is foggy from sleepless nights, one thing is clear. I am in search of a place to surrender. In this, I do not think that I'm alone.
We all hold on to something. We all have our vices, our 'things of this world', that we cling to at some point or another in this walk. We fear to loosen our grasps and risk watching the things we've collected along the journey fall away from us, so instead, we hold on.
What are you holding on to?
I feel a nudge from the Spirit, asking me to recognize where I'm holding on too tightly, where I need to just let go. I'm holding on to my time, saving it up for my own self-serving pursuits, hastily hurrying through the motions of my days before placing the hours down as an offering to God from whom they came from. I'm clinging to my finances, selfishly hesitant to place them fully in the hands of God, because I fear that He will tell me no. I'm holding the lingering choices of romance and longing and lust under lock and key, tucked layers away in my heart, unwilling to offer them up to the God who already knows my heart, who best-knows what I need and what I don't.
I am simply fearful to just trust these things over to God. In my heart, I know that He is in control. But still.. what if the desires of my heart don't align with the heart of God?
Yet, even so, I am desperate to find a place of surrender. Aren't we all, after all? We all want something to lose ourselves in. We lose ourselves in music. Hobbies. Our jobs. Our bodies. Exercise. Food. The arms of a lover.
I was at a yoga class the other night, and as we sank into a forward fold, the instructor said, "find surrender in this pose." I did as I was told, letting my head hang heavy and my spine stretch long, but a whisper on my heart said that the surrender I am seeking goes deeper than a physical posture or pose.
We can try to unwind with the things of this world, but the only place where we will find sweet, pure, everlasting, safe surrender is in the arms of our perfect and loving God.
We have to let go in our hearts. We already know that His ways are higher than our own. We already know that we mess up, dig our own holes, and then remorsefully turn back to God to dig us up and remake us as whole. But it's in our hearts that we have to make the continual, day-by-day, moment-by-moment act of letting go, loosening our grip, and reminding ourselves that it is okay, that He is in control. Find sweetness and surrender in that. Just let go.
When I see this photo, I am reminded of just a glimpse, a facet, of our Father's great love for His children. I look at this and see my child, fearless and blissful, because he finds safety and comfort in my arms. Even as young as he is, he is confident that I will continuously embrace him with unconditional, sacrificial love. Though he has and will veer off course, I will always guide him back to the path of what is right, showering him with provision and love. To know this as truth, in light of how small we both are in the scheme of it all, I am called to attention toward the majestic vastness of our Father's love and sacrifice. I am reminded of Matthew 7:11:
"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"